So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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