I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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