Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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