Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
