hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
