summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
