I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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