guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
