did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
