god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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