Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
