yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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