You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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