i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
