the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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