Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize