The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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