My liver just broke up with me...
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
