he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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