In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
