Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
