oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
