she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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