my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
