he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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