I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Randomize
