I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We had to coat check the pizza.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
