Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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