She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
