Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize