broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
