My hand turned me down
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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