i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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