my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
