remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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