I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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