A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
