You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Randomize
