I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
