I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize