You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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