I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
