No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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