So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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