I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
