Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
