Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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