chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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