just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
