Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
