note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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