Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
