She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize