im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
