My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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