well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize