Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
