If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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