So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
