I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize