Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
