bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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