OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
