you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize