i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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