This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
