I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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