What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
