Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
