It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
